[Milliways]: No Place Like Home

[smallgayjew]

The attitude when they climb back into the van is much more subdued. Posner settles into the back seat. He wants to ask how the others think they did. He wants to know if they feel as odd about the whole experience as he does.

He wants to know that they will all still be together come autumn.

Comments

[pushtheboatout]

Dakin stares out the window.

He's contemplative too, but for slightly different reasons.

(It has never really been a question to him if he'll get in or not. He's confident he will.)

But there is still the matter of Irwin.

Irwin, who is not who he claims to be.

[smallgayjew]

Posner watches him curiously. He especially wants to know how Dakin did, but he doesn't know how to ask that question, and he's fairly certain that Dakin being his usual, confident self will only make him doubt his own performance that much more.

[pushtheboatout]

Scripps has no such issues.

Thank goodness for him.

"So how do you think you did?" he asks the van in general.

Dakin stirs. "I think one of the dons wants to have my children."

There's no humor in his voice, though. He's saying it because it's expected of him.

[smallgayjew]

Posner rolls his eyes. It's expected of him as well.

Scripps laughs, but Posner thinks there's something lacking in it. Rudge is oddly quiet.

"I couldn't tell one way or the other," Posner says with a falsely casual shrug.

[pushtheboatout]

Dakin glances at him, and then lightly touches his hand, little finger to forefinger. No more than that.

[smallgayjew]

Posner smiles, surprised at how comforting the gesture is.

"Anyway, there's nothing more to be done but wait."

[pushtheboatout]

"Figure out our plan Bs, just in case."

[smallgayjew]

Posner nods, though he's been trying not to think of what he'll do if he doesn't go to Oxford.

"What'll you do, then?"

[pushtheboatout]

"Brighton will welcome me with open arms," Dakin says wryly.

[smallgayjew]

"Would you be happy there, d'you think?"

[pushtheboatout]

"I think you can be happy anywhere if you want to be," Dakin says.

[smallgayjew]

Posner laughs softly. "Of course you do."

[pushtheboatout]

Dain arches an eyebrow at him. "It's not a struggle."

[smallgayjew]

"No, I don't imagine it is."

He has full confidence in Dakin's ability to be happy absolutely anywhere.

[pushtheboatout]

Dain says in a lower voice, "It doesn't have to be a struggle."

[smallgayjew]

Posner's voice is just as low when he responds, "Not for you, it doesn't."

[pushtheboatout]

"Nor for you. Not if you don't want it to be."

[smallgayjew]

"It's not as simple as wanting."

Wanting is something he knows how to do.

(And he's not sure sometimes if he actually does want to be happy.)

[pushtheboatout]

"Then what do you think it takes?"

Scripps is watching them with that odd expression again, a bit like they're a tennis match.

[smallgayjew]

"I don't know. Something more, clearly."

He doesn't often talk about not being happy. Not to Dakin, certainly.

[pushtheboatout]

"I know exactly what I want," Dakin says and counts it off on his fingers. "I want to never worry about money. I want to pull whenever I want. I want a respectable house in a good city. I want to keep reading, keep writing, and go to Paris a few times a year to keep my French up.

"If that doesn't make me happy, I don't know what will."

[smallgayjew]

"And what if you don't get that?"

Posner knows exactly what he wants too. It's just not entirely up to him whether he gets it.

[pushtheboatout]

"I'll keep working until I do."

[smallgayjew]

"What if you never do?"

[pushtheboatout]

Dakin gives him a withering look.

"I will," he says simply, and to himself, "And I won't have to lie about it."

[smallgayjew]

David frowns, not sure what Dakin means by that.

"I'm sure you will."

[pushtheboatout]

"You just have to want it enough."

[smallgayjew]

"Not everyone is you, Dakin."

[pushtheboatout]

Dakin rolls his eyes.

"More people ought to follow my example, then."

[smallgayjew]

Posner rolls his eyes as well. "Not everyone wants to be you."

[pushtheboatout]

"I can't imagine why."

[smallgayjew]

"Which is your charm and your repulsion both."

[pushtheboatout]

Dakin barks a laugh.

"I do love it when you show your teeth, Pos."

[smallgayjew]

Posner smiles, blushing. It's rare that he does with anyone, but especially with Dakin.

[pushtheboatout]

Dakin looks out the window, smiling too.