[Milliways]: First Gestures

[smallgayjew]

Posner can't believe that it's actually here. He can't believe he's finally leaving home (with Dakin) and moving out (with Dakin) and starting at Oxford (with Dakin). He's got all his essentials packed into a trunk and a suitcase, and it feels like too little to encompass his life so far, but it also feels appropriate to be starting a new life without any of the encumbrances of the old.

On the platform, he kisses his mum and hugs his dad and shakes his uncle's hand, and he tries not to look at the tears his mum is holding back, and he tries not to let his own fall. It isn't sad, not really. It's only...a bit frightening.

So he kisses his mum once more, and he lets her fix his hair, and he hugs his dad again, and then he takes a deep breath and lugs his trunk and his suitcase and his whole life onto the train and moves to find a seat by the window so he can wave them off they can wave him off.

And he doesn't sing Gracie Fields this time, but he wants to.

Comments

bedtime :)

[smallgayjew]

"I can't be," David insists. "I'm not. I'm...You don't know what it's like. I've always been different. I've always been teased and excluded, and...maybe it was in fun sometimes, but that doesn't change anything. I'm...tired of being different. I just want to be normal. I want people to look at me like I'm normal."

Good night!

[pushtheboatout]

"You are normal."

He stares out the window.

"If you believe you're normal and act like you're normal, people will treat you like you're normal. You want to be like me, that's all you have to do."

[smallgayjew]

"I'm not normal," David says quietly. "This...isn't normal."

[pushtheboatout]

"You're not the only gay man in the world."

[smallgayjew]

David rolls his eyes. "I didn't say I was unique, only that I wasn't normal."

[pushtheboatout]

"I don't see why you're so hung up on that. And if you're not normal, what does that make me? I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm--" He rubs his eyes in frustration. "Something else."

[smallgayjew]

"Yes, but you don't mind...being that way. I do."

[pushtheboatout]

"You could fake that you're not, like Hector."

[smallgayjew]

David gives a soft, cynical laugh.

After a moment, he asks, "When you look at your future, what do you see?"

[pushtheboatout]

"A brilliant job, lots of money and you."

[smallgayjew]

He smiles faintly at that.

"D'you want to know what I see?"

[pushtheboatout]

"Tell me."

[smallgayjew]

"I see Hector."

[pushtheboatout]

Stuart looks at him for a long moment.

"Suppose I say I'm not going to let that happen to you."

[smallgayjew]

David meets his eyes for a moment and then looks away. "I'm not sure it's up to you."

[pushtheboatout]

"It's probably not. It's probably up to you. So if you want to marry a woman you don't love and spend all your time pining after boys you can't touch, then I won't stand in your way."

[smallgayjew]

David frowns, leaning his head against the window. "I want what you see," he says quietly. "I just don't see it."

[pushtheboatout]

Stuart says softly, "Close your eyes."

[smallgayjew]

David gives him a skeptical look and then closes his eyes.

[pushtheboatout]

"Picture a house," Stuart says. "It's not too big and not to small, and it's a good part of London. It's tasteful and well-kept. Comfortable. All the neighbors say the couple who live there are so lovely."

[smallgayjew]

David sighs and nods. "All right."

[pushtheboatout]

"This is't working for you, is it? I wanted to help you see it, 'cause I see it. I see it clearly. I see us having a brilliant life."

[smallgayjew]

David opens his eyes to look at Stuart.

"I want to see it. But when I picture that house and that couple, it isn't me."

[pushtheboatout]

"Try," Stuart says.

[smallgayjew]

David nods and closes his eyes again. "I'm trying."