[Milliways]: First Gestures

[smallgayjew]

Posner can't believe that it's actually here. He can't believe he's finally leaving home (with Dakin) and moving out (with Dakin) and starting at Oxford (with Dakin). He's got all his essentials packed into a trunk and a suitcase, and it feels like too little to encompass his life so far, but it also feels appropriate to be starting a new life without any of the encumbrances of the old.

On the platform, he kisses his mum and hugs his dad and shakes his uncle's hand, and he tries not to look at the tears his mum is holding back, and he tries not to let his own fall. It isn't sad, not really. It's only...a bit frightening.

So he kisses his mum once more, and he lets her fix his hair, and he hugs his dad again, and then he takes a deep breath and lugs his trunk and his suitcase and his whole life onto the train and moves to find a seat by the window so he can wave them off they can wave him off.

And he doesn't sing Gracie Fields this time, but he wants to.

Comments

[smallgayjew]

"What did you think it was going to be like?"

[pushtheboatout]

"I didn't think you'd be so afraid to be who you are. I understand about your parents, I do, but when's it going to end, David? People on the train, people at university, people at your job--there's always going to be someone to hide from.

"Unless you refuse to stop hiding altogether."

off to choir, be back later :)

[smallgayjew]

"I don't know," David admits, frowning. "I just...I'm not ready yet."

have fun!

[pushtheboatout]

"Do you think you ever will be?"

[smallgayjew]

"I don't know," David answers honestly, looking a bit worried.

[pushtheboatout]

Stuart sighs again, and then squeezes David's shoulder briefly.

[smallgayjew]

David frowns a bit and asks softly, "Would you be upset if I never was?"

[pushtheboatout]

"Yes. I can't imagine having to hide that I love you for the rest of my life."

[smallgayjew]

After a brief pause, David says, "I wish I could be like you."

[pushtheboatout]

Stuart looks at him, quietly distressed. "Who says you can't be? So what if people are looking at us? It's not like we're going to whip out our cocks and start wanking. I want to hold your hand. I want to put my arm around you. I want to fall asleep with my head on your shoulder, and I can't even touch your face right now because people are looking and it upsets you."

bedtime :)

[smallgayjew]

"I can't be," David insists. "I'm not. I'm...You don't know what it's like. I've always been different. I've always been teased and excluded, and...maybe it was in fun sometimes, but that doesn't change anything. I'm...tired of being different. I just want to be normal. I want people to look at me like I'm normal."

Good night!

[pushtheboatout]

"You are normal."

He stares out the window.

"If you believe you're normal and act like you're normal, people will treat you like you're normal. You want to be like me, that's all you have to do."

[smallgayjew]

"I'm not normal," David says quietly. "This...isn't normal."

[pushtheboatout]

"You're not the only gay man in the world."

[smallgayjew]

David rolls his eyes. "I didn't say I was unique, only that I wasn't normal."

[pushtheboatout]

"I don't see why you're so hung up on that. And if you're not normal, what does that make me? I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm--" He rubs his eyes in frustration. "Something else."

[smallgayjew]

"Yes, but you don't mind...being that way. I do."

[pushtheboatout]

"You could fake that you're not, like Hector."

[smallgayjew]

David gives a soft, cynical laugh.

After a moment, he asks, "When you look at your future, what do you see?"

[pushtheboatout]

"A brilliant job, lots of money and you."

[smallgayjew]

He smiles faintly at that.

"D'you want to know what I see?"

[pushtheboatout]

"Tell me."

[smallgayjew]

"I see Hector."

[pushtheboatout]

Stuart looks at him for a long moment.

"Suppose I say I'm not going to let that happen to you."

[smallgayjew]

David meets his eyes for a moment and then looks away. "I'm not sure it's up to you."